I’ve stated many times, possibly too many on how my life remains unchanged. Devoid of emotions, in a way, although I don’t want to sound that my life’s a tragedy. Which it isn’t, but I could probably write a book about it. Sadly for us, I’m sure, you, the person reading me could also write a book about your struggles in life.
The price of being in the slumps is too precious, for me being in the slumps means that every day is a just yet another day triggered by my indifference about life. It’s a lie, a twisted lie! While I procrastinate about what to do with my crappy life, there’s no way in hell you could be fully indifferent. More like, as time goes and I get older, the more frustrated I feel about myself.
I can’t really say that I’m the smartest person in the world. I’m a pretentious idiot with a big mouth, my foot always ends up stuck in my mouth too! It’s funny how things are. I’ve alienated my relatives, in my foolish attempt to sink deeper into the “darkness”. Now, the darkness here isn’t really darkness. It’s more like you cage yourself, bottle up your emotions and let time pass. This is the part where we congratulate each other for becoming human robots. beep…. beeep… *explodes*
Further than that, you lose your human part. When a person is grieving about someone, crying, or is outraged about something that happened. Your empathy is gone. I don’t know how to react most of the time in real life. I just put the emotion that I logically think should be expressed. Though by no mean I feel empathy.
We aren’t robots.
You could fool to believe you are one . Sooner or later, the cage you are in will not be enough to contain your emotions. It’s indeed a gruesome dilemma for us. A beast that just wants to scream, trying to understand one’s self behavior.
I am like this, partially because of my past. Truthfully speaking, I’m afraid of people. Beyond that, we are the ones who put us in a cage. Not the people, sure, there are a lot of SOBs out there. I’ve met a lot at work, but those SOBs didn’t take me down. I did, almost as if it was an animal instinct.
To who do we seek when we are in this state? I don’t know. Please don’t tell me the church, I could pray day and night. I don’t think God is in the business of telling you what to do. However he’s probably in the business of opening new doors. I would like to believe that, but I rather not. My faith by definition nonexistent. My apologies, I don’t want to make you think there isn’t salvation, or whatever you religious people think. Like I tell some of my religious friends, if you are comfortable with your choices, go for it, just don’t drag me into what I would call people with funny thoughts.
Do note that I do respect religious people. I can’t help to tease some of them though! Nothing morbid.
After all, our problem doesn’t lie with religion, sexual orientation, politic affiliation, gender, etc. My problem lies on how I put limits, and how easy I give up. Let me tell you something, I’m not really the most optimistic person in the world. I’ve been told many times that I’m a very negative person. Which I didn’t find surprising, after all, living in this cage for many years is bound to drive me insane.
I’d like to blame the people who initially did this to me. I don’t think that I could forgive them. I remember watching some old VHS tapes, that once happy kid carelessly running around. So happy, it was the best feeling ever. I was saddened on my current state. I could’ve led a very normal life.
What can I say? The longer the time passes without taking decisions, the more I will despise myself. I’m a bomb going off at any moment. This isn’t good in any way, when I say this it means that anything could happen.
The mere thought of being someone late in life is painful. I can see friends moving forward, marrying, having families. The good ‘ol me? I’m just stuck, powerless.
One of the most amusing things I’ve heard is: “get over it”, “go already, what are you wasting your life for?”, “depression is stupid, and the people who fall for it are too”. It could be simple as that, but random strangers and relatives saying that leaves me chuckling.
Maybe the phrase “it’s over for me” has been stuck on my mind for so long that I’ve given up. I’m waiting for some miracle(?) to happen.
Ultimately, being incapable of doing simple things as moving on are the hardest. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell have I been doing all along. Sadly, even me sharing this I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer to a question that doesn’t exist.
I guess being broken human being is all about time. For the better, or worse.