Category Archives: Ramblings

“Depression is not something you beat”

I’m angry, there’s no other way of putting it. A few days ago I watched a video where a person was saying “depression is not something you beat”, that we learn to “live with it”. As for me, I don’t want to learn to live with depression. That is itself something that goes contrary to what I want in my life. Don’t give me that bullshit that we cannot beat depression,  if you are going to limit yourself, then that’s up to you, don’t throw me under the same bus.

I know that there are people out there with medications. I know that most of them want to get rid of it. For me, hearing things like the title says simply discourages the person that we can live with it, but we can’t cure it. Thus, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It leaves a bad taste to those battling depression, and it certainly discourages people that have dealt with it for years.

I can’t speak for everyone. I cannot do that, we all have different circumstances, different statuses, different social life, different culture, different families. For me to throw everyone under the bus we all have to reach a middle ground somewhere, but that’s unlikely because our issues greatly differ.

I am going to beat depression. I plan to come with my head held high. I’m doing everything I can to beat my fears, my insecurities, my self-hatred. I challenge myself every week. Every day there’s this irrational fear that’s tries to beat me back, but I don’t want to give in. No. I know I’m better than that. You know that you are better than that. Don’t let your thoughts run wild. Feelings aren’t fact.

That’s all I wanted to say. I wanted to get this off my head for a while. Good luck to those battling depression, I wish you the best luck.

In The Slumps

I’ve stated many times, possibly too many on how my life remains unchanged. Devoid of emotions, in a way, although I don’t want to sound that my life’s a tragedy. Which it isn’t, but I could probably write a book about it. Sadly for us, I’m sure, you,  the person reading me could also write a book about your struggles in life.

The price of being in the slumps is too precious, for me being in the slumps means that every day is a just yet another day triggered by my indifference about life. It’s a lie, a twisted lie! While I procrastinate about what to do with my crappy life, there’s no way in hell you could be fully indifferent. More like, as time goes and I get older, the more frustrated I feel about myself.

I can’t really say that I’m the smartest person in the world. I’m a pretentious idiot with a big mouth, my foot always ends up stuck in my mouth too! It’s funny how things are.  I’ve alienated my relatives, in my foolish attempt to sink deeper into the “darkness”. Now, the darkness here isn’t really darkness. It’s more like you cage yourself, bottle up your emotions and let time pass. This is the part where we congratulate each other for becoming human robots. beep…. beeep… *explodes*

Further than that, you lose your human part. When a person is grieving about someone, crying, or is outraged about something that happened. Your empathy is gone. I don’t know how to react most of the time in real life. I just put the emotion that I logically think should be expressed. Though by no mean I feel empathy.

We aren’t robots.

You could fool to believe you are one . Sooner or later, the cage you are in will not be enough to contain your emotions. It’s indeed a gruesome dilemma for us. A beast that just wants to scream, trying to understand one’s self behavior.

I am like this, partially because of my past. Truthfully speaking, I’m afraid of people. Beyond that, we are the ones who put us in a cage. Not the people, sure, there are a lot of SOBs out there. I’ve met a lot at work, but those SOBs didn’t take me down. I did, almost as if it was an animal instinct.

To who do we seek when we are in this state? I don’t know. Please don’t tell me the church, I could pray day and night. I don’t think God is in the business of telling you what to do. However he’s probably in the business of opening new doors. I would like to believe that, but I rather not. My faith by definition nonexistent. My apologies, I don’t want to make you think there isn’t salvation, or whatever you religious people think. Like I tell some of my religious friends, if you are comfortable with your choices, go for it, just don’t drag me into what I would call people with funny thoughts.

Do note that I do respect religious people. I can’t help to tease some of them though! Nothing morbid.

After all, our problem doesn’t lie with religion, sexual orientation, politic affiliation, gender, etc. My problem lies on how I put limits, and how easy I give up. Let me tell you something, I’m not really the most optimistic person in the world. I’ve been told many times that I’m a very negative person. Which I didn’t find surprising, after all, living in this cage for many years is bound to drive me insane.

I’d like to blame the people who initially did this to me. I don’t think that I could forgive them. I remember watching some old VHS tapes, that once happy kid carelessly running around. So happy, it was the best feeling ever. I was saddened on my current state. I could’ve led a very normal life.

What can I say? The longer the time passes without taking decisions, the more I will despise myself. I’m a bomb going off at any moment. This isn’t good in any way, when I say this it means that anything could happen.

The mere thought of being someone late in life is painful. I can see friends moving forward, marrying, having families. The good ‘ol me? I’m just stuck, powerless.

One of the most amusing things I’ve heard is: “get over it”, “go already, what are you wasting your life for?”, “depression is stupid, and the people who fall for it are too”. It could be simple as that, but random strangers and relatives saying that leaves me chuckling.

Maybe the phrase “it’s over for me” has been stuck on my mind for so long that I’ve given up. I’m waiting for some miracle(?) to happen.

Ultimately, being incapable of doing simple things as moving on are the hardest. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell have I been doing all along. Sadly, even me sharing this I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer to a question that doesn’t exist.

I guess being broken human being is all about time. For the better, or  worse.

How lame.

The WordPress.com Experience

I started this blog yesterday to talk about the things I’ve enjoy. That was the main goal, that’s what we all think when starting a blog (although, other people just want to get some revenue, there’s nothing wrong with that either).

In less than 24 hours I’ve become more and more familiar with WordPress.com functionality. Mostly because I’m a programmer, I like to poke things and see how the work. I’ve yet to see the day I don’t poke things and find how things works. That’s not the case here though, I’m not here to talk about that.

The Blogosphere is an amazing place to be today.

And that’s what I’m getting into. I’ve read over 3-4 posts made by random strangers today. I don’t know anything about them. I sure as hell would love to meet them someday.

I’m glad blogs exists, in a way because you never really run out of things to read. You learn from different random joes, or even relate to them depending on the situation or what he’s trying to expose to the world. Our voices on the internet is almost nonexistent, no matter what, the internet is vast. Search Engines helps to get the word there. But having a centralized hub like WordPress.com/Typepad/Livejournal/Blogger/Tumblr is way better than starting your own thing.

Now, going back to the random posts:

One that caught my attention was, My Penis Girl, written by a mother struggling to embrace her daughter’s identity. To name another one, Why is the “Ideal English Major” uncurious and anti-intellectual, among other entries.

I never read those type of things in Tumblr or Blogger (although, to be honest Blogger seems like a rundown mill compared to this).

Anyway, that’s for today’s ramblings.