Category Archives: Depression

“Depression is not something you beat”

I’m angry, there’s no other way of putting it. A few days ago I watched a video where a person was saying “depression is not something you beat”, that we learn to “live with it”. As for me, I don’t want to learn to live with depression. That is itself something that goes contrary to what I want in my life. Don’t give me that bullshit that we cannot beat depression,  if you are going to limit yourself, then that’s up to you, don’t throw me under the same bus.

I know that there are people out there with medications. I know that most of them want to get rid of it. For me, hearing things like the title says simply discourages the person that we can live with it, but we can’t cure it. Thus, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It leaves a bad taste to those battling depression, and it certainly discourages people that have dealt with it for years.

I can’t speak for everyone. I cannot do that, we all have different circumstances, different statuses, different social life, different culture, different families. For me to throw everyone under the bus we all have to reach a middle ground somewhere, but that’s unlikely because our issues greatly differ.

I am going to beat depression. I plan to come with my head held high. I’m doing everything I can to beat my fears, my insecurities, my self-hatred. I challenge myself every week. Every day there’s this irrational fear that’s tries to beat me back, but I don’t want to give in. No. I know I’m better than that. You know that you are better than that. Don’t let your thoughts run wild. Feelings aren’t fact.

That’s all I wanted to say. I wanted to get this off my head for a while. Good luck to those battling depression, I wish you the best luck.

I’m happy

Its been years since I’ve felt this form of happiness. For me, there are different types of happiness and different types of struggles in life. I’m happy because I decided to finally move on and throw the shackles aside that I’ve put on myself.

I’m going to make myself clear that I’m still in my recovery process. Things like rebound are on my mind (not always), except I’m confident that this time it’ll be different.

Even when I decided to cast aside what burdened me for years, the world didn’t change, my family struggles didn’t go away, my friends remained the same, but I changed. I wanted to change.

It took me years of reflection, dealing with self-hatred and the numerous flaws I have. So I’m happy to recognize that I’m an amazing human being. I’m happy that what people told me wasn’t out of spite or sarcastic remark. I’m happy that I didn’t magnify issues.

I did a drastic change. One that left me restless for a week. I knew it was a big decision to make, and that decision along with the reflections I made I think I’m finally seeing that I made the right one. However, I don’t know what future holds for me. Now more than ever I know how to deal with uncertainty.

There are different forms of depression, this is the way I see it. I can only speak for myself. I can’t guarantee that it will work for you, but I can tell you: you can do it, I know you can overcome depression.

The last 2-3 weeks have been hectic for me. I’ve been dealing with family issues. I had to bear the burden of an issue that was impossible to solve–financial issues, broken communication, and the future. That’s where I halted my thoughts.

WHAT ABOUT MY FUTURE?

I could be helping my parents pay debts, these issues aren’t mine to carry as crude as it sounds. Neither they are yours. The world feels like it’s crumbling apart and you are trying your darndest for that pillar to stay still. Except, that pillar you are protecting is a lie. 

Why is it a lie? I think it’s more of an excuse to not move forward. I found myself questioning if I really needed to carry this weight? I do want to help my family. But those issues aren’t mine to take. I’m still young, I’ve condone myself to be a shut-in and now I want to make time for my social life. To find someone important, as clumsy as I am interacting with others part of me wishes to just go out there.

Does this make me a horrible person? I don’t think so. Simply put, if I went to carry the weight of family issues the chances of me having my own personal life would be near zero. The chances of becoming a professional would be dim. I would be paying debts and the only thing I would get back is regret.

Isn’t it time to stop replaying that broken disc of yours? Yea, you, the person reading this? No matter how many times you replay the past, you can’t find answers. The more you keep replaying the past, the longer it will take to make a decision.

I’m tired of replaying it. I know I was a wimp. I know I was an asshole. I know I was good with computers. I know I was insensitive. I know I was overly sensitive. I know I was too shy. I know I made stupid mistakes. I know I regretted a lot of things. I know I wanted things to be different. I know I wanted to move on. I know I wanted to smile again, that smile that I had when I was in elementary school, so happy I was.

So my first move was: Stop replaying the past. You can’t undo it.

My second move was: Decide what to do with my life. Right now I’m back to college. Let me tell you something. College started a week ago, I filled the applications 4 days before it started. It was one of the biggest decisions I had to take in moving forward. I was scared as hell because even the major I chose is an unknown world to me. Even now I feel I made the right decisions. I think many doors are opening.

I can’t feel but be baffled at how smooth things went. It felt like life itself was guiding me. Even my relatives helped me with some minor money issues I had. Nevertheless they were both stunned and happy about my sudden turnaround. Basically I just threw myself to the unknown. They knew that, and I knew that.

Regardless of how smoothly things are going I still have small issues to take care. Like getting rid of my self-consciousness, restoring my self-confidence, dealing with people, etc.

Anyway, that’s it from me. I hope that it has somehow helped you. I wish you the best.

 

In The Slumps

I’ve stated many times, possibly too many on how my life remains unchanged. Devoid of emotions, in a way, although I don’t want to sound that my life’s a tragedy. Which it isn’t, but I could probably write a book about it. Sadly for us, I’m sure, you,  the person reading me could also write a book about your struggles in life.

The price of being in the slumps is too precious, for me being in the slumps means that every day is a just yet another day triggered by my indifference about life. It’s a lie, a twisted lie! While I procrastinate about what to do with my crappy life, there’s no way in hell you could be fully indifferent. More like, as time goes and I get older, the more frustrated I feel about myself.

I can’t really say that I’m the smartest person in the world. I’m a pretentious idiot with a big mouth, my foot always ends up stuck in my mouth too! It’s funny how things are.  I’ve alienated my relatives, in my foolish attempt to sink deeper into the “darkness”. Now, the darkness here isn’t really darkness. It’s more like you cage yourself, bottle up your emotions and let time pass. This is the part where we congratulate each other for becoming human robots. beep…. beeep… *explodes*

Further than that, you lose your human part. When a person is grieving about someone, crying, or is outraged about something that happened. Your empathy is gone. I don’t know how to react most of the time in real life. I just put the emotion that I logically think should be expressed. Though by no mean I feel empathy.

We aren’t robots.

You could fool to believe you are one . Sooner or later, the cage you are in will not be enough to contain your emotions. It’s indeed a gruesome dilemma for us. A beast that just wants to scream, trying to understand one’s self behavior.

I am like this, partially because of my past. Truthfully speaking, I’m afraid of people. Beyond that, we are the ones who put us in a cage. Not the people, sure, there are a lot of SOBs out there. I’ve met a lot at work, but those SOBs didn’t take me down. I did, almost as if it was an animal instinct.

To who do we seek when we are in this state? I don’t know. Please don’t tell me the church, I could pray day and night. I don’t think God is in the business of telling you what to do. However he’s probably in the business of opening new doors. I would like to believe that, but I rather not. My faith by definition nonexistent. My apologies, I don’t want to make you think there isn’t salvation, or whatever you religious people think. Like I tell some of my religious friends, if you are comfortable with your choices, go for it, just don’t drag me into what I would call people with funny thoughts.

Do note that I do respect religious people. I can’t help to tease some of them though! Nothing morbid.

After all, our problem doesn’t lie with religion, sexual orientation, politic affiliation, gender, etc. My problem lies on how I put limits, and how easy I give up. Let me tell you something, I’m not really the most optimistic person in the world. I’ve been told many times that I’m a very negative person. Which I didn’t find surprising, after all, living in this cage for many years is bound to drive me insane.

I’d like to blame the people who initially did this to me. I don’t think that I could forgive them. I remember watching some old VHS tapes, that once happy kid carelessly running around. So happy, it was the best feeling ever. I was saddened on my current state. I could’ve led a very normal life.

What can I say? The longer the time passes without taking decisions, the more I will despise myself. I’m a bomb going off at any moment. This isn’t good in any way, when I say this it means that anything could happen.

The mere thought of being someone late in life is painful. I can see friends moving forward, marrying, having families. The good ‘ol me? I’m just stuck, powerless.

One of the most amusing things I’ve heard is: “get over it”, “go already, what are you wasting your life for?”, “depression is stupid, and the people who fall for it are too”. It could be simple as that, but random strangers and relatives saying that leaves me chuckling.

Maybe the phrase “it’s over for me” has been stuck on my mind for so long that I’ve given up. I’m waiting for some miracle(?) to happen.

Ultimately, being incapable of doing simple things as moving on are the hardest. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell have I been doing all along. Sadly, even me sharing this I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer to a question that doesn’t exist.

I guess being broken human being is all about time. For the better, or  worse.

How lame.

Inside A Broken Shell

Inside A Broken Shell lies an illusion of safety. The shafts of light burns deep within my skin. I must hide in the shadows. I cannot let go of this shell, painful as it may be I still hold the idea that it meant something to me.

I kept years and years struggling to not change. Through the stormy nights I told myself how I was going to get out of this shell onto another. When dawn came I could see the light crushing my confidence, and squirming in fear I go back to my shell.

But you see, the fear I feel is the knack of something happening. Something irrefutable, as if fate itself wanted to lead me. Why do I feel so afraid? I ask myself, for leaving the shell is casting off my past. Do I hold the past so dearly, that it had blinded me all the struggles of life. Yet, could it be that in my incoherent state of mind I neglect the change I’ve been looking for.

It’s so cozy, and warm. I never want to leave this shell, no matter how broken it is.

Fear is the key to move forward, over time I feel that fear is itself a motivator to move. It gives me the courage to stand up, regardless of how hopeless I am. Don’t be afraid of change. That, I would tell myself every day.

I am a bystander, fearing the many walking near me. I can’t help but to seek comfort inside my shell.

Is this okay? I ask myself. Years, and years go by, each of them filled with regret. Has the courage to move on faded away. Did I give up on myself to continue exploring the world?

No.

No. I can’t throw it all on a whim. I want to see more, why must it be this way?

I must move forward. For I fear days with regrets. Once I grow old, to whom do I tell my happy stories, for all I’ll be bearing is this crooked shell is nothing but gloom. Don’t misunderstand me, I love this shell so dear that it has become who I am.

It’s time to move on. I’m finally free.

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I’m an amateur at this. Pardon the grammar errors, if any. I hope you like this. I might not be the best writer, but I do hope you get the message.