I’m happy

Its been years since I’ve felt this form of happiness. For me, there are different types of happiness and different types of struggles in life. I’m happy because I decided to finally move on and throw the shackles aside that I’ve put on myself.

I’m going to make myself clear that I’m still in my recovery process. Things like rebound are on my mind (not always), except I’m confident that this time it’ll be different.

Even when I decided to cast aside what burdened me for years, the world didn’t change, my family struggles didn’t go away, my friends remained the same, but I changed. I wanted to change.

It took me years of reflection, dealing with self-hatred and the numerous flaws I have. So I’m happy to recognize that I’m an amazing human being. I’m happy that what people told me wasn’t out of spite or sarcastic remark. I’m happy that I didn’t magnify issues.

I did a drastic change. One that left me restless for a week. I knew it was a big decision to make, and that decision along with the reflections I made I think I’m finally seeing that I made the right one. However, I don’t know what future holds for me. Now more than ever I know how to deal with uncertainty.

There are different forms of depression, this is the way I see it. I can only speak for myself. I can’t guarantee that it will work for you, but I can tell you: you can do it, I know you can overcome depression.

The last 2-3 weeks have been hectic for me. I’ve been dealing with family issues. I had to bear the burden of an issue that was impossible to solve–financial issues, broken communication, and the future. That’s where I halted my thoughts.

WHAT ABOUT MY FUTURE?

I could be helping my parents pay debts, these issues aren’t mine to carry as crude as it sounds. Neither they are yours. The world feels like it’s crumbling apart and you are trying your darndest for that pillar to stay still. Except, that pillar you are protecting is a lie. 

Why is it a lie? I think it’s more of an excuse to not move forward. I found myself questioning if I really needed to carry this weight? I do want to help my family. But those issues aren’t mine to take. I’m still young, I’ve condone myself to be a shut-in and now I want to make time for my social life. To find someone important, as clumsy as I am interacting with others part of me wishes to just go out there.

Does this make me a horrible person? I don’t think so. Simply put, if I went to carry the weight of family issues the chances of me having my own personal life would be near zero. The chances of becoming a professional would be dim. I would be paying debts and the only thing I would get back is regret.

Isn’t it time to stop replaying that broken disc of yours? Yea, you, the person reading this? No matter how many times you replay the past, you can’t find answers. The more you keep replaying the past, the longer it will take to make a decision.

I’m tired of replaying it. I know I was a wimp. I know I was an asshole. I know I was good with computers. I know I was insensitive. I know I was overly sensitive. I know I was too shy. I know I made stupid mistakes. I know I regretted a lot of things. I know I wanted things to be different. I know I wanted to move on. I know I wanted to smile again, that smile that I had when I was in elementary school, so happy I was.

So my first move was: Stop replaying the past. You can’t undo it.

My second move was: Decide what to do with my life. Right now I’m back to college. Let me tell you something. College started a week ago, I filled the applications 4 days before it started. It was one of the biggest decisions I had to take in moving forward. I was scared as hell because even the major I chose is an unknown world to me. Even now I feel I made the right decisions. I think many doors are opening.

I can’t feel but be baffled at how smooth things went. It felt like life itself was guiding me. Even my relatives helped me with some minor money issues I had. Nevertheless they were both stunned and happy about my sudden turnaround. Basically I just threw myself to the unknown. They knew that, and I knew that.

Regardless of how smoothly things are going I still have small issues to take care. Like getting rid of my self-consciousness, restoring my self-confidence, dealing with people, etc.

Anyway, that’s it from me. I hope that it has somehow helped you. I wish you the best.

 

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